I admit that I feel like a fool. The Assisted Living location looked beautiful and welcoming. I thought that the outside appearance translated to a similar beautiful and welcoming level of care. I was wrong. It was a facade.
When my loved one started his short term at the Assisted Living location, family members of other clients tried to tell me to keep an eye on my loved one's care. I thought they were over-cautious, and surmised that it was their issue, not the issue of this lovely location. I was the fool, and they were trying to tell me that you have to keep a close eye on a loved one's care in these mostly unregulated facilities--facilities that likely rely on poorly paid and poorly trained help and a desire to get people in and out at a good rate in order to make good money.
I am writing about these errors, errors I was warned about because I hope that others won't make the same mistakes.
The first error was on day one. No one was there to introduce us to the center and what they offered. We essentially navigated the place ourselves. People dropped in and out with vague titles and assistance, but there was no clear introduction with regard to what we could expect for our loved one. New to Assisted Living life, we thought we would give it some time as perhaps they didn't want to overwhelm us. Instead, now I realize that this place didn't want to commit to much--it seems the vagueness may have been purposeful.
Then there were the unmet promises. "Don't worry, they will hang your loved one's pictures on the wall." That's nice I thought, but they never did it.
Then there's the list of activities at the doorway, but the activities often did not occur and honestly, were probably not much of a match for the care needs of the clients anyways. The list looks nice, but it's unclear what happened and what didn't happen--was the list mostly for show and to draw people in.
And there were the unclear promises of care and choice. There were few attempts to truly understand my loved one in terms of the foods he likes, the activities he desires, the personal needs he had--instead it seemed like a series of broken promises and lures. Quick fixes rather than thoughtful care.
Finally, there was the medical attention promised that never happened. I should have been more assertive making sure that my loved one's medical needs were met, but instead I was too patient, and my loved one ended up getting really sick and going to the hospital. Once his deeper medical needs were revealed, the Assisted Living, essentially uninvited my loved one to their program--a program billed to serve needs of people like him.
In addition, there were the added costs--costs never communicated to us for services he may or may not have received.
So what did I learn. I learned that when your loved one gets to the stage of needing 24-7 care, you have to carefully research that care and keep a very close eye on the care providers and businesses. Clearly, this is an area of human need that is greatly lacking in our society. Before I experienced this, I wondered why families were not doing more, but after experiencing the deep level of need that very ill people require, I realize that it's a need that society has to take more seriously. As a society we should have regulated supports in place to help people when they are most ill and unable to manage their own lives and needs. Instead predatory business practices have infiltrated the area of elder care and the needs of very ill people of any age--these predatory businesses and individuals are preying on people's lack of understanding and great needs when it comes to medical and personal care.
Now my loved one is transitioning to a new care location. I know that the new care location will face some of the same problems that the first care location faced, but now I know that I have to be more present, watchful, questioning, and interactive with regard to the care routines and practices. I can't simply expect people to do their jobs or care for my loved one as I would--for many, sadly, it's a business, a job, a means to an end and not a human service. There's great room for improvement in this arena of life. I wish that elder care would be somewhat like public schools--every child gets an education paid for by our taxes and I wish that every elder who needs substantial care would have regulated, quality care available to them when they are no longer able to care for themselves--that should be part of a humane, caring, kind society. Onward.
