Like many, I want my family, both intimate and extended, to be as happy and positive as possible. To achieve that end, I often read articles about family life and think about my role in the family. Today I read a particularly good article that offered some good advice.
Forgiving or forgetting without changed behavior does not strengthen a family
Long ago I had a conflict with a member of my family. Together we planned a meeting with a trusted third party. We discussed the issue and since then the problem has not reoccurred. Basically the problem arose from misconceptions about each other's actions. Once we ironed that out, we understood each other better, and to my knowledge the problem has not arisen again. We forgave and we changed behavior. That was positive.
It's best to acknowledge the hurt and troubles rather than moving on as if nothing happened
It's not good to ignore the "elephants in the room," but instead acknowledge the tough times. Our family tends to have meetings to discuss tough times and good times too. It's good to think about what went wrong and what goes right so you can repeat the positive behaviors and diminish or eliminate the troubling behaviors.
Acknowledge each other's emotions
Don't dismiss each other's emotions and experiences, but instead acknowledge what the person may be feeling. Recently a friend confided in me their emotion related to a host of health needs. Thinking back, I could have been more empathetic by acknowledging how overwhelming it seemed to be to have to endure so many upcoming procedures and health events. Attentive listening and thoughtful responses that acknowledge a person's struggles, pain, and even joy builds strong relationships. We usually can't fix a person's dilemma or challenge, but we can offer support via acknowledgement.
It does no good to cover-up problems as that just enables problems to continue
Problems happen and rarely do cover-ups of any kind work. Typically the truth is eventually revealed. It's best to sensitively own up to or openly discuss problems in your midst, both problems related to you and problems related to others. Denying problems leads to self doubt and destructive patterns.
Beware of secrets
Of course there are some secrets that are probably worth keeping, but too often keeping secrets prevents problems from being solved or people from being safe. Usually secrets are found out eventually and when secrets are revealed after a long silence, there is often a lot of hurt that goes along with that.
Faking fine hurts you and others
If you pretend you are fine when you are truly hurting or struggling for all kinds of reasons, you may not get the kind of support and help you need. Obviously it's not good to complain all the time, but to be untruthful as to your true state of being and experiences distances one from strong, trusting relationships too.
Don't repress your emotions
It's better to be open about your emotions rather than continually stuffing or repressing those emotions. Repressed emotions may eventually leak out as sarcasm or passive aggressive behavior. Repressed emotions can lead to troubling health conditions too. The more you learn to understand your emotions and confidently express them, the better your relationships will be.
Surround yourself with safe, positive, loving people
Unsafe people may be people who are dishonest, untrustworthy, irresponsible, hurtful to others in words/actions, have too-high/unrealistic expectations, emotionally unstable, use fear or guilt to manipulate, demand respect without earning it, violate boundaries, and don't want to acknowledge or work on their own issues. You deserve to be loved, cared for, and respected, and you don't have to accept behaviors that harm or hurt you in any way. That said, none of us are perfect and if we truly work on our own shortcomings and accept the shortcomings of others as they work to be better, we will support positive relationships.
Don't use or accept the use of aggression with respect to getting what you or others want
Aggressive acts such as anger, shaming, or guilting to get what you want will not promote a positive family life. It's best to be positively honest with one another about our needs.
Actions that support a positive family life
- Not ignoring or avoiding conflict, but confronting conflict in a positive way instead
- Talking out your emotions with a trusted friend, counselor, or coach rather than repressing those emotions
- Making the difficult decisions and boundaries related to difficult or unhealthy people
- Limiting discussion topics or experiences to preserve your emotional health
- Staying away from manipulation
- Not enabling bad behavior, but confronting it with empathy, sensitivity, and honesty instead
- Not taking responsibility for other people's emotions
- Accepting that some will disagree and be unhappy with your decisions
- Not engaging in drama/conflict that isn't your business
- Standing up for yourself by respectfully and peacefully speaking up
- The acknowledgement that you can't manage other people's emotions--people-pleasing doesn't work.
- Knowing that the only control you have is control over yourself.
