I feared for my safety and no one took me seriously. Because I've read many very sad stories of people like me who feared for their safety, were not taken seriously, and then ended up hurt or dead, I had to trust myself. Maybe I was wrong, but I'd rather be alive and wrong, than right and dead or seriously injured.
Why did I fear for my safety? I feared for my safety because of many written and spoken messages that included threats, derogatory language, vile name calling, accusations, and/or other hurtful words. Some said, those are only words, the people won't hurt you, but my research has shown that a pattern of threats and insults like that can escalate to physical abuse, and I don't want to be hurt.
When I reached out to others to tell them of my fears, most thought me foolish and worse. They didn't support my worries, but instead, defended the threateners and others who made hurtful words. They too accused me--they accused me of causing the hurtful remarks with my behavior and decisions. Their accusations as well as the words of the abusers left me feeling very bad, worried, sleepless, hurt--they made me question myself. Did I do the right thing? Could I have done a better job? Where did I go wrong? How did I cause this volcano of harmful and hurtful language and threats?
There were others who were more compassionate to me. They listened to me and offered their experience as well as their advice. I turned to counselors and help lines as well to gain perspective. While many of these people still didn't trust my fears, they were there for me knowing that I wanted to do the right thing and I needed some direction in a tough situation. As helpful as these people were, they did tire of the situation. Like a broken record, the situation kept repeating and no matter how I tried to make change, change did not happen.
In many ways at this juncture I feel stuck with regard to the situation. It seems that any move I make is a wrong move. The only path that I can see at this point is to remove myself almost completely from the situation which greatly saddens me. Believe me I've tried so many ways to make this work--so many ways with no success. I am very hurt by the comments, accusations, and threats made by some team members over a period of years now. It's a train wreck I never imagined. Fortunately outside of this situation, there is much in life to be grateful for and I have a loving home, and for that I'm thankful. Onward.
