As I helped to care for my parents, it surprised me that there are so many different ways to look at and think about end-of-life care. There's not a well-worn path in this regard in United States' collective culture as end-of-life care is met with a large variety of responses. In some cases, one person devotes their entire life to another person's end-of-life care. In still more situations, a team effort is employed to care for someone in their waning days. Then there are those who do a good job managing their own care almost to the very end, and others who are clients one end-of-life care facilities and homes.
At present, my philosophy of end-of-life care is that the care should be safe and loving. I also believe that those responsible for the care should coordinate their efforts, play to their strengths, and balance those efforts with their other responsibilities as well. In most cases, I don't believe a person should sacrifice their entire life for another--instead, I believe that when people are able to have a good balance of care for others and self-care, the person is better all around. To be a 24-7 caregiver is mostly too much for most people--a good balance of care for others and care for self is what I believe people should reach for.
Of course, that balance will look different depending on all kinds of factors including available resources, physical health, financial situations, and end-of-life philosophies.
Similar variations can be found in multiple life arenas including childcare, family structure, financial decisions, and even vacation plans. People often choose differently, and often this is no problem. For example, my many friends and relatives made a large variety of choices when it came to childcare. Some friends stayed home and cared for their children, some had nannies, some put their children in home day care, some chose childcare centers, and many did a large mixture of all of these approaches. Was one better than the other? As long as the care was consistent, loving, and safe, it seems there wasn't too much of a difference, but if the care lacked love, safety, or consistency, that's when problems occurred. Also the varying care styles impacted families too--if parents could feel healthy, positively meet their responsibilities and develop good relationships with their children, then the care was likely good
Perhaps the same can be said of end-of-life care--if the care is loving, safe, and consistent as well as not overly taxing or troubling for the caregivers, then the care no matter what it looks like is likely good care. On the other hand, if the care is unsafe, inconsistent, and unloving, then the care is not positive. Those seem to be the only factors that matter. Of course there will be differing opinions about what constitutes safety, consistency, and loving care. Yet, it's a guideline to follow when assessing or engaging such situations.
In thinking of this matter, it's also good to consider our own end-of-life care when we're healthy and aware. For example, I've shared my wishes with my sons. My number one wish is that my care be simple and not overly taxing on my family members--I want my family members to have as full as possible, good lives. I don't want to be a burden should I age in ways that require a lot of care. By saying this, I hope my sons will be able to craft a simple plan of care for me if needed, a plan that allows them to live good lives for their circle of friends of family. I'm pretty good at creating as good as possible life for myself wherever I am and that fact brings me peace as I think of the aging years ahead.
There are a myriad of end-of-life perspectives--we won't all agree, and as long as the people who need the care are getting consistent, loving, safe care, we can find peace even if we disagree about how that happens. Onward.
