Sometimes when people are angry they resort to punishing others rather than making the needed change to gain greater happiness and peace in their lives. For example, a young child may lash out when they are unhappy because they don't know how to deal with their unhappiness. That's a signal that loving caregivers including parents, relatives, teachers, and others need to make the time to figure out with the child what's hurting and what they can do together to make positive change. Like unhappy children, unhappy or hurting adults may act out too by punishing others with their words or actions when they are unhappy rather than making time to reflect, talk-it-out, or make the needed changes for greater happiness.
As I think back, I remember a time when I resorted to aching out rather than taking a deep look at unhappiness. It was a few decades ago when life was a difficult point. Essentially I was stretched too far and rather than making the time to reflect about that stretch, I blamed a few others for my struggle. In hindsight, a better approach would have been to look at life as a collection of choices. The people I essentially lashed out at had made life choices that were very different than mine, but choices that were positive and served them and their loved ones well. I was angry because I was resisting taking a deep look at the choices I made and the choices in my midst--the truth at the time was that I needed to shift some of my choices. I was putting too much time and energy into one life choice that was not giving me enough back--that choice which was related to my professional work was sucking the life out of me to a too-great degree. The right choices then was to work a bit less in order to make life more reasonable and less suffocating. I could have done that and still done a good job professionally. Often when we get too angry or frustrated, we simply are not making enough time to reflect about our lives and our choices. When we make that time with the attitude that we deserve to live a good life for ourselves and others, we generally can identify what's making us angry and what leads us to punish others rather than deal with our own struggles.
As I think more about this topic of punishing others rather than greater reflection and positive personal decision making, I'm thinking about when I may have noticed this in others and how I might respond. Not too long ago I experienced a punishing attitude from an individual who appeared to be distraught and angry. It was difficult for me to make sense of this punishing attitude, and this challenge led me to a lot of reflection. In the end, I wrote the individual a letter acknowledging what was happening as well as the fact that choice can be a great catalyst for positive change. Also simply talking out issues that make you want to lash out or punish others can mitigate the anger and lead you to more peaceful, positive decisions.
There are certainly times when life hands people situations that cannot be undone, situations that cause great hurt and pain. Anger is often a natural response to situations like this, and when these situations happen to yourself or loved ones, we have to look for ways to help diffuse the anger and create greater care and peace. A simple card can be a first step to creating more warmth and less anger and pain. Onward.
