Whenever I complained as a child, I often heard the response, "Don't be a martyr!" Those words bothered me a lot at the time and sent the message that it was not right to complain. As I grew older, I've thought about those words a lot, and my thoughts have had many varying results.
Is complaining wrong?
There's a happy-medium when it comes to complaining. Sure, complaining, in general, is not a popular way to be. As the old saying goes, no one wants to hear your complaints. Yet, complaining is often the first step in recognizing that something is amiss, and it's what you do with those initial complaints that matter. I believe it's important to take your complaints seriously and really think about why you are complaining. Seek the consult of trusted friends and counselors with your complaints to see where those complaints are coming from and what you might do about them. When I think back to my early life complaining, most of the complaints had to do with an environment that expected a lot, but wasn't very predictable. Those expectations were often last minute requests, unsupported, and in clear contradiction to what I had planned or wanted to do. In hindsight, a bit more of a collective routine, expectations, and voice would have likely diminished the number and depth of complaints.
When people complain, what are they really saying?
It's important to listen deeply to the complaints of friends and family members. Sometimes the complaint is actually quite superficial while the meaning behind the complaint is deep and important. For example, if a child says, "I don't want to do it," it may be better to sit down and discuss the why's of the matter than simply replying, "You just have to do it--no complaints!" A discussion about why someone may not want to do it, may lead to a better solution or action than the one in place.
Why is the concept of martyr frowned upon
No one likes a martyr, is a common phrase in the culture. People tire of others complaining about the good work they do over and over again. That's not surprising, but the word martyr should not be used in a trite way--instead it's better to be more specific with your language. Thinking back to when I would hear that phrase, a discussion about use of words, complaining, and tasks would have been much more helpful. People want to notice your good work for themselves, they don't want to listen to you go on and on about it. Letting your actions speak is preferable to words in situations like this. For example, I could go on and on about something good I did, but that would simply turn people away. Instead I could do the good because I believe in it, and let people notice or not notice, but be satisfied by the act simply because it was good and something I believe in.
Why do people seemingly brag about their good work
There are likely many reasons for this. One reason could be an effort to connect with others--although it's not a successful method, that may be why people do it. Another reason could be a sideways way to look for support or help in the endeavor. Again, not a successful method and a method that should be replaced with direct requests for help and explanations of the situation at hand. Further people could be acting as a witness to the needs and potential that exists--perhaps they feel that their work will inspire others to do the same. Whatever the reason, it's preferable to let your actions speak in situations like this rather than your words.
Too many people rush to judge or control situations without looking deeper at what's being said and what's happening. If a person in your midst complains a lot, try to work with that person to figure out what's behind the complaints and what you might do to help. As I think of this, I'm thinking of a situation recently when I was chastised for complaining. I offered to discuss the situation with the people involved, but those people were not interested in understanding my perspective. I stopped complaining and started realizing that those individuals were not invested in my role in the situation or the vision I had. Way back, when I was accused of being a martyr, the accusers could have said, "Hey, you complain a lot about this situation. Let's sit down and talk about it to see if we can come up with a good solution for all involved." That kind of response would have helped everyone in the situation, but the simple judgement call and chastisement did nothing to remedy the situation so the complaints continued and an opportunity to better the situation and develop good skills was lost.
Onward
