There's a difference between empathy and enabling. True empathy is when you understand where a person is coming from and you show compassion and support in appropriate ways. Enabling is when you create excuses that allow a person to continue their dangerous, abusive behaviors, behaviors that harm and hurt others as well as the person themselves.
When we allow a person's struggles to result in abuse and harm towards others particularly others who may be children or people without the independence to defend themselves, we promote injustice. This type of enabling was clearly exhibited in the movie, Spotlight, years ago when a mom refuses to believe her son as he tells her about the abuse he experienced at the hands of the parish priest. The mom chooses the priest over her own son, and her son suffers while the priest continues his harmful abuse.
I've seen this kind of dangerous enabling occur on many fronts in my life. I remember once as a school teacher when an administrator who feared a parent accused one child of an infraction because he didn't want to upset the mother of the other child. That was wrong. I also witnessed this in other arenas when a person's abusive actions were defended as empathy when in truth those actions were abusive and harmful to others. Yes, you can feel bad for someone who is doing the wrong thing, but you can't accept their abuse and harm towards others.
When we act in wrong ways due to life's struggles, it's okay for people to understand where we are coming from, but it's not okay for people to accept our behaviors. I remember long ago when I exhibited a behavior that was the result of life's struggles. The behavior was not positive and should not have been accepted. Instead, the best course of action is to help people find help to remedy their inappropriate behavior. Eventually thanks to love of good people, I was able to find some positive support which cured me of that unhealthy behavior.
As an educator, I would remind parents that it's positive for children who exhibit bad behaviors to have the kind of consequences that teach them the error of their ways and help them to replace those behaviors with positive behavior instead. Most parents understood this, but some, with a desire to shelter their children from any painful consequence or learning experience, would defend their children denying them of the opportunity to deal with struggle in a positive, proactive way. This set children up for greater weakness going forward in life rather than greater strength.
No one is perfect. We all have make mistakes and act inappropriately from time to time, and when that happens, hopefully the loving people in our life will help us to find a better, more appropriate, healthy way to remedy our errors and move on with greater strength and positivity. Empathy is good, but enabling bad behavior is not good. Onward.
